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I’m starting to get it. God’s grace. I thought I got it before, but I now know they layers keep peeling off. I’ve been reading the Bible constantly lately - day and night. I’m seeing my sin and ego and pride so clearly. I always think I’ve seen it clearly and then God shows me one more layer. Last night, you were teething and woke up at 4am wanting to roll around and “talk”. I stayed up with you. I think God did that on purpose. It’s like fasting when you are stripped of the normal comfort of food. Same with sleep deprivation. It can amplify what’s really in our hearts. So, I started to have anxiety about a lot of ridiculous things. I prayed a lot as you played and as I tried to comfort you. Around 8, I woke daddy up and told him everything on my heart. He loved on me and encouraged me. He is such a good daddy and husband. He has truly taken on the awesome duty of being the leader of our family, loving us with all his might and caring for not only you and I but everyone. He loves on Great Grandma Bunny and Grama Celia and Grampa David and Uncle Stephen. He studies the scriptures day and night. (This morning he told me when you woke up at 4, he couldn’t sleep so he just studied the Bible for a couple hours. Your daddy does that a lot.) All this to say, I am so grateful. God changes people. Completely. Last evening, we drove around the beach where daddy and I had some of our first dates and talked about how very different our lives are now… how different we are as people. Night and day. God has made your daddy and I into new people and He keeps peeling back the layers. I feel like the weight of the world was lifted from me today, sweet pea. Honesty and love and humility are hard work and they require stepping into a LOT of fear but it is always WORTH IT. You are worth it. I want to be the kind of woman that glorifies God and not myself. I have a long way to go. But that is the deepest desire of my heart. All the roadblocks between me and that goal are humbling. I look at who I was just a few years ago… even just a few months ago… and I PRAISE GOD. He refines us. He breaks us down so He can use us for good. I’m so grateful. This family is forever changed because of God’s amazing grace. You remind us of that every day, Grace. You are constantly joyful and we don’t deserve such a beautiful happy wonderful child, but God gave you to us. A true gift from above. I love you, G. Love, your very grateful Mommy
Hi pretty girl. I have had so many miraculous moments with you lately. God has been putting so much on my heart in the last two weeks. He has been leading me to write out my testimony. It’s the scariest most humbling thing I’ve ever done. And I’m taking my time because there are so many layers to dig through and pray through and heal and celebrate. I’m having to forgive myself and others a lot. I am having to face the stark reality that I truly am a sinner saved by His amazing grace and Grace. It’s becoming so clear that your name was no accident. I had this miraculous moment tonight, walking around the lake with you, when that dawned on me. And tonight, after your bath, I gave you a bottle in the dark to put you to sleep and you just smiled and laughed at me. I put the bottle down and pulled you close. You are so big and snugly : ) I remembered for a moment what it was like when you were very tiny. I started telling you your story… “Once upon a time there was a girl named Grace…”. I told you about you in my tummy and about your birth and how we did a big puzzle while we waited for you and how there were really hard times when mommy was really afraid and had no idea how this mommy thing worked and, the best part of the story besides your smile - God changed me in those hard times. He changed your daddy too. Grateful is a gross understatement. I praise God every day for how He brought us to this place. So different. So changed. Full of grace. I love you, NumNum (my nickname for you as of late). Love, Mommy. P.S. you are snoring right now. It’s really cute : )
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Grace, I can’t believe you are going to be 6 months old in a few days. A half a year! Oh my. Time is flying. I could write volumes about how grateful I am for the last 6 months - the very hard times and the times I felt my heart would explode with joy. Lately, you are sitting up by yourself, singing and babbling like crazy - lots of babababadadadaaa, laughing, grabbing everything in sight, and…. whining. You are learning how to get what you want : ) We have your 6 month appt on Monday (the same day daddy takes his big board exam in Louisville!) and we have a lot to report. You are still eating every two hours during the day - ie a LOT. About 8-10 bottles a day. You go to sleep around 10pm and wake up at 4am to eat again. You doze till about 6 and then it’s playtime! If you want to start sleeping more, we won’t complain : ) But, we feel so blessed no matter how much you sleep. You are happy almost all the time. It’s so easy to get you to smile. That is wonderful. I could watch you discover the world all day long. You’ve transitioned from loving Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to Row Row Row Your Boat. This provides a challenge for Mommy as there is only one verse to Row Row Row Your Boat. I sing it over and over to you anyway though because you loooove it. We’ve been having a blast together with the new Bob jogging stroller I got us. It’s like your chariot and Mommy can run really well with it. It has been so refreshing to get out more and not feel chained to a bulky stroller. We have a big weekend ahead with friends from church and the outdoor service and very Southern pig-pickin’ on Sunday. Then, next week after daddy’s big test, we’re taking you on your first airplane ride to Pensacola to see Grama Celia, Grampa David, Great Grama Bunny and Uncle Stephen… and a lot of kitties and a chicken. Daddy and I can’t wait to take you to the beach and see you explore new things! OK, sweet pea. Night night. We had a fun day together. This was us in the park this afternoon and you laughing as usual. I love you. Love, Mommy
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I get it now. Moms would tell me that the birth of their child was the best day of their lives. Your birth was traumatic for me. But… somehow God has been changing my heart lately. While I was away with your Aunt Gina and Emily, I spent a lot of time reading the scripture and praying and being open and honest and facing my fears and breathing deeply and I started to look at the photos from your birthday in complete awe. I look at a Lara who had no idea what was ahead. The hardest time of my life. Yet, now almost 6 months later, I FEEL how that hard time changed me completely. Like Paul rejoicing in his sufferings because they produce character. That was, in fact, the best day of my life. It was the day God took my control away. It was the day that the heart work began. It was the day I started to truly know what real love and grace really mean. I’m so grateful to be your mama, Grace. This quiet moment with you sleeping soundly on me is the sweetest gift I could ask for on this Mother’s Day. I love you and I’m so grateful for the day you were born… and every heart-opening day that followed. The best is yet to come, sweet pea. Love, Mommy
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